From The Ugandan Observer

The Ugandan government is watching the political stalemate is Zimbabwe "with keen interest," a government official has revealed.

Addressing reporters and diplomats in Kampala, a top government official, Prof. Apolon C. Bambi said that "the interface between Comrade Robert Mugabe and Mr. Morgan Tsvangirai is so lugubrious that we have decided to interlocute dynamically, with atomistic diligence." He added that the Ugandan government would consider "intercalating its cerebral assets" into the Zimbabwean situation if it did not ."

As we went to press, oppressed, starved and beaten Zimbabweans were still waiting for results of a general election held last month. Meanwhile, Mugabe's "Kalangala Action Plan" operatives have been dishing out more beatings to opposition supporters, according to video evidence that surfaced this week.

Prof. C. Bambi dismissed criticism that the Ugandan government was not doing anything about the deteriorating situation in Zimbabwe. Diplomats and journalists had complained that as Chairman of the Commonwealth, President Yoweri Museveni should be spearheading efforts to find a solution to the stalemate.

"Honestly, to propagate the propaganda that Uganda is asunder from the rupture politique in Zimbabwe is to pander to obscurantism. On the contrary, we are assiduously acclimatising to the situation with a view to propitiously and profusely interface," the professor explained.

The revelation that Uganda would "propitiously and profusely interface" came as a relief to concerned diplomats, journalists and political observers.

"I am happy that the Ugandan government is finally doing something. I didn't quite catch what exactly it is doing, but it sounded quite serious," a British diplomat, who studied English and Diplomacy at the University of Oxford, told The Analyst.

President Robert Mugabe welcomed the news of Uganda's possible "interfacing" as "an interesting proposal."

"With a facelift, the people of Zimbabwe would think they are getting a whole new president," he said. "Why didn't I think of that before?"